It would seem that the Lord is leading me to do more and more things outside of my comfort zone. I realise that is what having faith is all about, but until recently I have never really let go and put it to the test. Hmm. Or it could be that I have not had that much faith to lean on. Am not quite sure which. Probably a bit of both! I always admired and somewhat envied the people who would say “it is amazing when you can really lean on the Lord to provide your strength and support and to really know that He is in charge” and so on and so forth… I admired them for their strong faith and conviction, because I didn’t feel I had the ability to be able to “let go and let God”, to use a familiar saying. I envied them for precisely the same reason. And I suppose I was still too strong-willed. Actually, stubborn would probably be a more suitable word.

The Sunday just passed, I gave my first Relief Society lesson. As I expressed to the Sisters at the beginning of my lesson, I would have much rather been sat recieving the message rather than being the one delivering it. I told them in no uncertain terms that the main reason I hadn’t skipped out on the lesson was because of its title - “When The Lord Commands, Do It”. I didn’t see that I had much choice in the matter! And to be perfectly honest, it’s a huge step for me to actually listen to promptings (even if they are as subtle as a brick to the face). So there I was.
Before the lesson I was very nervous, wandering around the chapel trying to calm myself and just getting myself more worked up in the process… And then an amazing thing happened. Whilst the meeting was getting started, right up until I stood up to give my lesson, I said a simple, sincere prayer. I asked Heavenly Father for strength, to calm my nerves and to guide me.
… As soon as I stood up in front of the Sisters and started to speak, I was calm. I actually felt pretty good about being up there. And the lesson seemed to go pretty well!
Honestly, you could have knocked me over with a feather. I had never been in a situation before where I had really needed to have the Lord take charge. I will rephrase that - I had never been in a situation before where I had let the Lord take charge. And what a difference it made. That was not me up there on Sunday. I could not have done that by myself. Even as I was speaking, I was very aware that there were words coming out of my mouth that I had not thought of, or prepared. I was thinking things that as far as I knew, I had no previous knowledge of. I was making links between what was being said and scriptures that I did not realise I had memorised. If I had not had the Spirit with me, I would have fallen flat on my face. I have no doubt whatsoever. And I cannot begin to express just how amazing I felt that day. Not just because of the lesson, although I was very happy with the way it turned out; it was mainly due to the fact that I had finally allowed God to take the wheel completely in a small area of my life, and as a result had learned in a more real way exactly what having faith is all about.

… I have been asked to bear my testimony at Ward Conference next week, both in the conference itself and in Relief Society beforehand. Normally I would run a mile. But it could not have come at a better time; I have a lot to say right now. I just hope I can express what is in my heart in a way that will connect with others.

I know that on my own, I am completely out of my depth.
I know that if I was left to my own devices right now, I wouldn’t get anywhere.

Luckily, I’m not.

Philippians 4:13

Sometimes, I get incredibly scared. A lot of the time, truth be told, I’m worrying about one thing or another. I might tell you I’m “OK” or that theres “nothing wrong”, but there’s usually something swimming just beneath the surface. Every now and then, it’s something that’s really upsetting me. Then that little white lie turns into one of two things. See, I don’t want to actually lie to you, but I’m either trying to desperately ignore whatever it is that’s bothering me, or it’s eating away at me so much that I’m scared if I mention it I’ll just break down. And I’m scared of breaking down in front of people. I am not afraid of showing my emotions, but I am afraid of what people will think of those emotions (and what has spurred them on).
There are very few people who I feel I can really open up to. I can count them on one hand. On two fingers, actually. And both of them will know exactly who they are. But sometimes even that’s hard. I try to be as open as I can with people, but there are just some things that I’m scared to say out loud. I am often afraid to acknowledge with my mouth the things that are running through my mind, for fear of making them all the more real.

… Whenever things get that little bit too “comfortable”, I flirt with the idea of running away. Because things can’t possibly stay this good. Things can’t possibly work out for me. For everyone else, yes. For me, no. I have done it with everything at one point or another. When I was younger, I ran away from a good, stable family relationship after I was adopted by acting out. Because I couldn’t possibly stay that way. These people couldn’t actually want to keep me here, so I ran away from the situation and tried to make them get rid of me sooner rather than later. It was inevitable, I reasoned, so why wait?
In relationships, when things have been going well, I’ve tried my best to push people away because I figure they will do the same to me.
When I found my faith in God when I was younger, I allowed myself to be lead astray so many times because I thought that was where I would end up.

To a certain extent, I’ve been tempted to do that recently. Now that things are going so well at church, it almost seems one of those “too good to be true” situations, and Satan is working overtime to get at me. I hadn’t even felt it until I stopped to think this evening…
I have been working 12 hour shifts the last couple of weeks at work, doing overtime to compensate for all the extra work coming in. It’s exhausting… Very draining both physically and mentally. I haven’t had time for anything but sleeping and working. I’ve been getting home after work and crawling straight into bed and then getting up again between 4:30-5:30 the next morning and starting all over again. I admit, I have not been praying much. Or reading my scriptures. Or doing anything that I know I should be doing. There are no excuses, really. I should have made time.
I found myself thinking tonight “why not just run away from it all? It’s getting too much”…
It isn’t.
I’m not getting enough lately. That’s the problem.

I’m giving a lesson on Sunday in Relief Society. The lesson is “When The Lord Commands, Do It”. As I’ve been writing that last section, I had a thought come to me. I was thinking before in terms of actually getting up and doing something. As in physically moving from A to B and having something to show for it. But sometimes, doing as the Lord commands can be something as simple and yet as complicated as striving to stay close to Him through prayer, and through study and keeping Him in your thoughts throughout the day. We are commanded to “cry unto him” in Alma 34, over all things. And it says when we are not praying “let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare” (emphasis added). That has never struck home to me as much as it is doing right now. It is such a simple thing, to have the Lord at the forefront of your mind - and it is absolutely in our best interests. If we don’t have the Lord in our minds and our hearts always, it is so easy for the adversary to sneak his way in and lead us astray without our knowledge. It is so easy for us to coast along, thinking we’re doing alright, when really we couldn’t be further from the truth. And that is often the most affective way for him to take us away from the Lord.

… I’m going to end there. Kind of abrupt, but I need to go and think over this for a while.
When I first sat to write this, I had no idea what would come out… I just knew I had something on my mind!

Until next time…

Today has been “one of those days” for me. This always happens, as soon as I decide to be that little bit better, something comes along to drag me right back down again.
Today it was my tattoos. I have a total of seven. They all have stories behind them - aside from the fairy on my shoulder, I got that cause I thought it was cute - and none are offensive, but I have been sick to death with worry that I am not going to be able to serve a mission because of them. I suppose the only three that would be considered “problematic” are the ones on my wrists. I have two on my right wrist - a black and pink star that I got in memory of my Nanna and a band I designed with three crosses (representing Calvary). The one on my left wrist is just above a particularly nasty self-harm scar, it says “amor vincit omnia”, which means “love conquers all” in Latin. I got that one just after I had come out of a particularly nasty time in my life, as a reminder that there is always a silver lining - even in seemingly impossible situations. And also as a statement of my faith in Christ - how His love conquers all.
The other tattoos I have are a cross on the back of my neck, a kanji symbol meaning “truth” on the base of my back (both symbols of my faith from years ago), a rose on my upper right arm and a fairy on my right shoulder.
If I could get them all removed, I would. But it’s just too costly. I don’t have the money to even have one removed. And while they all mark pivitol experiences in my life (it used to be my thing  - something happens, get a tattoo), I would give anything to be without them now. I cannot imagine myself being an old woman and having them on my body… I wish I had taken more time to think before taking the plunge.

I have been miserable near enough all day thinking about the limitations that these tattoos are going to have on my mission preparation. And even if I’m going to be able to serve at all. I’ve spoken to my Bishop about it, and he doesn’t seem to think there is a problem - he thinks they will just either send me somewhere cold, so I can cover up, or send me somewhere where tattoos are acceptable. But you just don’t hear of missionaries with tattoos, do you?! It’s not exactly fitting of a servant of the Lord to be covered in tattoos. OK so I’m not covered…

*Sigh* I’m getting really stressed. I was close to tears today. With it being fast Sunday today, I fasted to get an answer as to whether I would be able to serve a mission, whether it was the right thing for me to do… And the same thing happened today that happens every time I fast for that particular purpose… The first hymn we sang was “Called to Serve”, and the Sunday School lesson was focussed on missionary work. Every single time I ask the Lord to give me a sign, he gives me one… Clear as day. But the more I think about it, the more I worry that I’m just making things out to be the way I want them to be, and that maybe I’m not supposed to serve at all…

I want this. More than anything in the world. If I can’t go I will be completely heartbroken… It’s all I want. I can’t imagine my life going any other way now.
And why would the Lord have removed all the obstacles out of my way only to put more in front of me? Maybe it’s me making mountains out of molehills…

I’ll be OK. I know whatever happens, it will be for the best. But if it turns out I’m not supposed to do this after all, it’s going to be so unbelievably difficult for me to accept… Especially since I was so dead set against the idea in the beginning.

… I really need my Patriarchal Blessing

I went to the Temple today… I thought it would be a huge achievement for me to get up at 4:30AM to travel down to Preston at 6:30AM, but it was actually quite nice being up at that time. I made sure I got a decent night’s sleep, which I am sure helped to no end, and was in a brilliant mood from the moment I awoke. I think the sunrise may have had something to do with my good mood this morning, it was absolutely beautiful. No word of a lie, the picture below has not been edited in any way aside from being brightened up a tiny bit, because the flash didn’t come on and the colours were a little underexposed…

So, I am not the best photographer in the world, but are those colours not amazing?! It completely took my breath away! I remember Jo saying in a Gospel Principles lesson a few months ago that the Lord gives us “tender mercies” that aren’t really necessary to survival or progression in this life, but that make it all that more pleasant for us along the way. Every time I see something as simple and yet breathtakingly beautiful as a sunrise, I’m reminded of those words and just how priviledged I am to live in a world that was crafted with us in mind - that he wanted us to have the best time possible whilst on earth - and I am blown over by the sheer love and compassion that Heavenly Father shows for his children through the small details he carefully weaves into everyday life just for our enjoyment. And I realise that I don’t appreciate the little things nearly as much as I should… And vow to try harder. And I think I’m finally getting there. I’ve started to keep a Gratitude Journal, and it has made me so much more aware of how much I am blessed with… I am finding that I am getting down to the real nitty-gritty of what makes up my life and what makes it special to me. Not just the run-of-the-mill things that everyone is grateful for if they are lucky to have them, like my health, my job, my family… Although I am very grateful for all of these, it is nice to look at the details and realise how much I appreciate the way my Dad always knocks on my bedroom door to say goodbye and “I love you” before leaving the house, or that it really makes me smile when my dog comes for a cuddle as soon as I walk through the door at the end of the day. It’s these things - that you would normally take for granted - that make up the special moments in your life… It’s not always about grand gestures and big displays of affection, and I am truly thankful that I have been able to look at my life from this perspective. I hope I don’t lose sight of it.

“I urge our people everywhere, with all of the persuasiveness of which I am capable, to live worthy to hold a temple recommend, to secure one and regard it as a precious asset, and to make a greater effort to go to the house of the Lord and partake of the spirit and the blessings to be had therein. I am satisfied that every man or woman who goes to the temple in a spirit of sincerity and faith leaves the house of the Lord a better man or woman. There is need for constant improvement in all of our lives. There is need occasionally to leave the noise and the tumult of the world and step within the walls of a sacred house of God, there to feel His spirit in an environment of holiness and peace.”

President Gordon B. Hinckley - “Of Missions, Temples and Stewardship”, Ensign, Nov. 1995

I love that quote. President Hinckley will always have a special place in my heart - he was a truly amazing man - and along with many others, he was my Prophet when I was converted.
After being at the Temple for the first time today (performing Youth Baptisms), I have a renewed desire to live worthy of a temple recommend. I know I have been on the right path for a while now, but actually being inside makes things so much more real, so much more close to home, I suppose… And it makes me want to raise the bar that little bit higher and do that little bit more to be the best I can be. On the way home, I was talking out loud and trying to second-guess Satan’s plan… How he would try to undermine me, how he might get away with it without me knowing, what would be situations for me to avoid and what I need to continue to do - and start to do - if I’m going to try to be one step ahead. I have really studied my weaknesses in a way I haven’t felt necessary before and thought of real ways to combat them. I’m going to be honest with myself once a week and review all the points I’ve made - how I’ve done, what I’ve done well, and what I could have done better. This may seem a little far-fetched, but I know just how subtle and sneaky the Adversary can be, and just how good he is at getting under your skin without you knowing… And I’m going to do all I can to make sure I don’t compromise myself or my beliefs for anything or anyone.

I haven’t really had any spare time to update over the last couple of weeks! Terrible - I know. But I’ve just been rushed off my feet with overtime at work, chuch, leaving parties, days out and other random stuff… Plus I’ve not been feeling all that well. On and off, at least, I’ve been feeling horribly worn down and just like I don’t have any energy. Maybe I’m stretching myself too thin, but I’m not doing anything more than usual… Not really.

So… A quick run down of the last couple of weeks then.
On 19th June it was the Wheat Evening at church (RS Enrichment). It was a lot of fun, actually I didn’t know I enjoyed wheat so much! Will have to get some and try making some of the recipies the other sisters brought… When I have time!!
Last Wednesday I went to Alton Towers with some of the guys from work. It was a really great day. The weather wasn’t too bad (for British summer - I even managed to get a bit of sunburn!) and I got more used to “big rides” hehe I used to absolutely hate them, but I’m finding now that I actually quite like them. Aside from Nemesis, I didn’t like being thrown about, made me feel sick! Air is still my favourite though! Would have gone on it a few times if the queue wasn’t an hour long to get on…
In other news, I am now a bonafide fully paid up member of my local gym!! Who’d have believed it?! I went for my induction last night from 7PM onwards and I absolutely LOVED it. I did 10 mins on the cross trainer,  20 mins on a bike and 20 mins on the treadmill before doing a few lengths in the pool, getting in the jacuzzi and steam room I have an appointment with a “fitness trainer” on 8th July to put me a program together, until then I guess I’ll just do whatever I feel like hopefully this will become a regular thing for me! Will probably go tomorrow night, too

On Sunday I felt really bad, I had to leave church after the first meeting. It really sucks. I don’t want to miss any more church time. It always seems to be at the end of the week that I start feeling really run down, I guess I maybe am doing too much.
I’m starting to feel as though I really don’t want to be at work any more - again! I feel like I’m wasting my time. It was OK for a while after I moved departments and I definately like this job more than being on the phones, but I still feel as though I could be doing something more with my time.

Anyway, I’m at work right now and it’s coming up to the end of my lunch so I suppose I’d best sign off

I was clearing out an old chest of drawers and found an old “life list” I’d written a few years ago. It made me smile… One of the things on there was “find my faith in God”. I can safely say I’ve managed to do that I now have to focus on some of the others! Here’s a small example…

Find someone I can love with my whole heart
Live in a foreign country
Build a better relationship with my parents
Learn photography
Lose 30lbs
Find a best (girl) friend that I can share everything with
Travel across America on a Greyhound bus
Learn to play the piano
Read the 100 greatest literary works
Learn to fluently speak a foreign language

There are lots more, those are just an example. I guess I can already cross off the first one And there are a couple of others I am on my way to completing. I guess I should be more motivated to do things like this. I think it would give me a huge sense of accomplishment. But then, thinking about it, I guess I have already gotten over a few hurdles in my life. I don’t really tend to think of my life in the way of “what I’ve done”, because on paper it won’t look like much to other people. Or to myself, if I take it on face value. But in the spirit of becoming more self-accepting, here’s what I’ve managed thus far:

Become less secretive with those close to me
Allow people to get to know me
Overcome self-harming
Overcome an eating disorder
Achieve good grades at GCSE & A-Level
Stick at a job for longer than 6 months
Learn to express myself without resorting to arguments
Learn to have more confidence in my abilities
Learn to accept a compliment
Learn web-design
Learn to accept things on faith alone
Quit smoking

… I can’t think of anything else of note right now, but I’m pretty happy with what I’ve managed to come up with. A few years ago none of those things would have been up there, and in doing them I’m well on my way to being the person I always hoped I’d be but never thought I would become. There are always stumbling blocks along the way - I know it will never be an easy road for long. But in hindsight, if I’d had an easy road thus far I would not be half the person I am now. I have learned not to ask “why me?” and focus on “why NOT me?” and look at what I can get out of situations. Sometimes it will seem as though no good can possibly come from a situation, but hindsight is an amazing thing. Because I have been hurt, touched rock bottom and eventually come back up fighting, I’m able to empathise with others in similar situations. I won’t say I can “help” them, because I don’t and will not ever know all the answers, but sometimes all people need is an ear and the knowledge that someone has been there before them and come out the other side. If I can do that for people, I’m happy for the priviledge.

And I’ve finally accepted that my life is out of my hands - for the most part. I can make decisions along the way, but ultimately it is the Lord that will guide me to where I need to be. Every time I have just let go and let Him take the wheel, it hasn’t lead me wrong. It’s always been my bad decisions and stiffneckedness that have pushed me in the wrong direction. I’m learning more and more to just let Him take me to where I should be. It’s that mindset - and faith - that has lead me to preparing to serve a mission. The first time I felt I needed to go was back in January, three months after joining the church. I dismissed it as just “one of those things” and got on with it. But then I found every time I opened the Scriptures I was “stumbling” on missionary verses… And I’m sure in that period we must have sung “Called To Serve” at church at least five times! I prayed about it, and started taking notice, but I wasn’t happy with the answers I was getting. I didn’t want to go. I was quite happy with my life as it was, thankyouverymuch! I had my own house, a steady job, had just found amazing new friends and pretty much embarked on a whole new life. I didn’t want it all to be uprooted. I wanted to stay right where I was. So, me being me (thinking I was being terribly clever), I said “Right then God, I can’t go and here’s why… I have my house, I have my pets (a cat and a dog), I have all my store card debts, I have my job, I’m just beginning to sort the relationship with my parents, and I have my car on finance. How on earth can I go when I have all these things holding me back??”
… I thought I had it sussed. Until it turned out that my store cards were paid off after a couple of months, I had to get rid of my pets, I decided to move back in with my parents to make my life easier financially, and after talking to my parents they said “We think it would be amazing for you, you should go” and my Dad added, “and I’m gonna sell my car, so I’ll take yours and pay for it whilst you’re away”.
Well. You could have knocked me down with a feather. It seemed the Lord had a few more tricks up his sleeve than I’d counted on (I’m learning very quickly not to underestimate Him in situations like this)! He had somehow managed to completely get rid of all the excuses I’d made a couple months before… It’s as if He was saying to me, “Well, Chantelle. What now? Will you listen to me now?”
I guess I couldn’t not listen at that point. And that’s when I decided that I had to go. I actually started getting excited about the idea. I thought about how I was so desperately looking for answers when I met the missionaries, and how much I would love to be the one to bring those answers to others.

Since then, I’ve had a few people (church members no less!) that have been less-than-enthusiastic about my serving. But after a few tears and a lot of late nights thinking and praying, I know it’s the right thing for me to do. I can understand people’s concerns, but I know this is what I should be doing. So I’m going to do all I can to start preparing before my one-year mark so I can get my papers off as quickly as possible when October comes around.

This is another of those things that will bring me closer to the person I want to be. I know that throughout life I’ll always be constantly adapting and growing, but if I can make more decisions like this one, hopefully I’ll be moulded into the best person that I can be. And I’ll grow closer to the Lord in the process. Can’t be bad!

Good Evening!

I am finally on my way to having a fully-functional website again! It’s been a while, so it’s taking me a while to get to grips with the whole shebang… But I’m getting there! So far I have Wordpress installed, a working theme, a Flickr code installed and my “About Me” page set up. All in one night. When I promised myself I would get an early night. Yet here I am at 11:20PM, still tinkering away! Typical
I am loving getting back into the swing of things, though. And I’m loving having my own space to do whatever the heck I like with - not being restrained by certain layouts, colours or set-ups, as are the norm on most of the blogging websites out there.
This website I guess will be my place to just “do my own thing”. I’m hoping to set up a photoblog at some point, and maybe a recipe blog, considering I’ve come across a few gems recently! I’d like to think I’ll take “baby steps”, and do one thing at a time… But me being me, I’ll probably start up about five projects at once and then lose interest after around a week or so. Old habits die hard.

Life has been pretty good of late. Moving back in with my parents was a good move. As much as I want to bang my head repeatedly against a brick wall at times (most of the time), I can tell it’s helping my relationship with my parents. We’re getting stronger as a family, and actually beginning to work through our differences rather than just ignoring them or shouting about them until we’re hysterical and blue in the face. And when I say “we”, I mean my mother. I love her to death, I really do. But she always has found it hard to get her point across without resorting to screaming. I guess it’s ’cause she used to have to do that with me. But things have changed since then, and I think - I hope - she is finally beginning to accept that and adapt.

Work is going well… Despite my moaning about all the stress, I know I’m in a much better situation than I was a few months ago. The job I am doing now, whilst it isn’t exactly the height of excitement, is much less mind-numbing than the one I was doing before. I’m glad the management took the time to actually listen to my concerns rather than brushing them off and hoping for the best. The days seem to pass quicker too… Can’t be bad!!

Things with Shaun are going from strength to strength just now. Every time I think we can’t possibly get any closer, something comes along to change my mind. I guess that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? I love it. Whilst it hasn’t been a bed of roses the whole time, it’s been a learning experience. And it’s so refreshing to be in a relationship where differences can be embraced and worked on, and disagreements can be a positive stepping stone to better things. It’s now been almost nine months, and we still haven’t had an “argument”, per se. We always manage to talk things through before it gets to that stage. So far, so good!! I couldn’t be happier with him. I’ve not exactly been the easiest person to get along with over the last few weeks… I’ve had a few really rough days, and I’ve been a little sharp with him, but he has been amazing. So supportive… I’ve never known anyone like him. I really am blessed to have him in my life